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Your Horoscope for December

Look up your sign (or another one that you find particularly interesting) and find your future revealed to you.

  Libra: (September 23- October 22)
When the street in front of your house is strewn with someone else's clothing, beware the increased chance of encountering an ugly naked man on the 24th. You have been warned Kimosabe!

Scorpio: (October 23- November 21)
As tempting as it is to watch the 24 hour Saved by the Bell marathon on TNT, Scorpio, too much Jessie Spano is not a good thing. Rather, spend your time rehearsing Hot Fudge Sundae's dance numbers for your Broadway debut on the 12th.

Sagittarius: (November 22- December 21)
Remember that time Danny Partridge moved into your tree house and threw shoes at your mom? Watch out- he'll be back on the 17th!

Capricorn: (December 22- January 19)
Tonight it will get dark.


Aquarius: (January 20- February 18)
You thought that old gypsy at the fair was lying when she said that the substance on your pizza was not actually cheese- You'll believe her when you have to call poison control on the thirtieth. Happy New Year!

Pisces: (February 19- March 19)
Some things are meant to be, Pisces. Alex Trebec will come to a fancy dinner party at your house on the 5th. Hold him hostage until he agrees to re-grow his mustache.

Aries: (March 20- April 19)
The squirrels in your front yard are regrouping. They will make their move on the fifteenth. My advice: Buy lots of nuts and throw them on your neighbor's porch.

Taurus: (April 20- May 20)
Your secret affair with Strom Thurmond has been uncovered by a government probe. To avoid scandal, eat nothing but rhubarb pie for a week. Mmmmm rhubarb...

Gemini: (May 21- June 20)
You will have a new pal awaiting you when you return home from your holiday vacation. The bum who now resides in your bathroom enjoys large quantities of whatever you have brewing under the radiator.

Cancer: (June 21- July 22)
A word of bathing caution for the 7th, Cancer: Lampreys!

Leo: (July 23- August 22)
If you added an N to the end of your sign, it would probably be Leon.

Virgo: (August 23- September 22)
Time spent spying on your neighbors is time well spent!

ATTENTION VIRGO: This is a photo of the man who has been stealing your lunch! Quick! Catch him before he wakes up!
 

This is what is living under your couch, Capricorn. I suggest you clean before your Auntie Cecil has a coniption fit!
 

This man is selling his collection of sweater vests. Leo, you will purchase several at bargain basement prices!


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